THIS. This one of the most frequent concerns I hear from parents embarking on sleep training. The issue of crying.
It's completely natural to feel uneasy when your baby cries, especially if you're not used to hearing it. No one likes to hear their baby cry. NO ONE!
The instinct to comfort your baby immediately is strong, but when it comes to sleep training, the reality is that some level of crying is often part of the process. The good news is, crying doesn’t mean you’re harming your baby — in fact, it’s an essential part of learning how to self-soothe and build healthy sleep habits.
In this post, I’ll break down why babies cry during sleep training, what types of crying are normal, and how you can handle the process with confidence and compassion.
Why Do Babies Cry During Sleep Training?
Crying is a form of communication and babies cry for many reasons. Babies cry for many reasons, but during sleep training, it's often because they are learning a new skill — to fall asleep independently. Until this point, your baby has likely relied on being rocked, nursed, or comforted in some other way to fall asleep. Sleep training helps them understand that they can also fall asleep on their own, without needing external help.
Anytime humans learn something new, at any age, it brings a level of cognitive discomfort and crying is a healthy way to process such discomfort.
Sleep training is not about ignoring your baby or letting them cry for hours. Instead, it’s about helping them develop the ability to self-regulate and sleep independently.
Here’s why crying happens:
Separation Anxiety: Babies naturally want the comfort of their caregivers. When you first begin sleep training, your baby may cry because they’re feeling the loss of your immediate presence, especially if they’ve been used to you soothing them to sleep.
Change in Routine: Sleep training introduces a new routine, which can be unsettling for babies. Babies thrive on consistency and predictability as it makes them feel safe and secure, so changing how they go to sleep can cause frustration.
Frustration with Self-Soothing: Learning to self-soothe — whether by sucking on their thumb, gently rocking themselves, or finding a comfortable position — can be frustrating for babies, especially if they’re still developing those skills. Crying can be part of the process as they figure out how to calm themselves down.
Different Types of Crying
When it comes to crying during sleep training, they type of crying your baby will be doing. It is not a cry that indicates that anything is necessarily wrong. It is a cry that we call “protest crying.”
Protest Crying is the cry that happens when your baby is upset because they’re not getting what they want (usually your immediate attention). You can think of it as a mini-tantrum, because that is kind of what it is.
It may sound loud and intense at first, but this type of crying tends to subside after a little while. This is the type of crying that typically is the result of your baby learning to self-soothe. This is the crying that comes from sleep training. They are protesting that they don't like what you are asking them to do because they don't know how to do it ... yet!
There are other types of crying. As your child’s parent, you know your child best and can probably differentiate your child’s cries:
Tired Crying: Sometimes, babies cry simply because they are tired and struggling to fall asleep. These cries are typically more whiny or fussier and may increase in intensity as your baby gets more overtired. Sleep training can help babies manage this cycle by helping them learn to fall asleep independently before reaching the point of overtiredness.
Pain or Discomfort Crying: This type of cry is different from protest crying and usually sounds more intense and urgent. If your baby is crying like this, it could be a sign that they are uncomfortable or in pain (for example, from teething, hunger, or illness). If your baby’s cry sounds like this, always check on them to rule out any medical concerns. Note that not all discomfort is cause for stopping your sleep training work. Address the issue and stay committed to your process.
How Long Does the Crying Last?
This is another big question that is in the “crying bucket.” How long will the crying last? The truth is, the duration of crying can vary greatly from baby to baby. Some babies may cry for a few minutes before settling down, while others may cry longer as they adjust to the new sleep routine. However, the crying tends to decrease over time as your baby learns that crying no longer results in immediate comforting, and they begin to self-soothe more effectively.
On average, you can expect crying to last anywhere from 40-75 minutes in the initial days of sleep training. Some babies may take longer. As long as you have ruled out illness and any apparent discomfort, continue with your process (don't forget the importance of your child's schedule/wake windows!).
The Role of Parents During Sleep Training
During sleep training, your job is to provide a loving, supportive, and consistent environment. But you are not there to do the job of self soothing for them - this is where it can get hard. Here are some tips on how to manage your emotions and support your baby through the work so you can see sleep success:
Stay Calm and Consistent: It’s important for you to remain calm, even if the crying feels intense. Babies are highly sensitive to their caregivers’ emotional states. If you’re anxious or upset, your baby will pick up on it and may have a harder time self-soothing. Stick to your plan, and remember that the crying is part of the process of learning a new skill.
Gradual Approach: If the idea of letting your baby cry feels too overwhelming, you can start with a gradual approach to sleep training. You can read about the different methods here. A more gradual approach allows your baby to slowly build the confidence to fall asleep on their own, while still offering comfort at intervals.
Check for Other Needs: If your baby’s crying is persistent or seems out of character, take a moment to rule out any physical discomfort, like a soiled diaper, discomfort from teething, or apparent illness (i.e. fever). Once you’ve ruled out those needs, you can proceed with sleep training with confidence.
Create a Consistent Sleep Routine: Consistency is key during sleep training. Establish a bedtime routine that’s calming and predictable, such as a warm bath, reading a story, or singing a lullaby. This will help signal to your baby that it’s time to wind down for sleep. You can read this about the importance of routines.
Trust the Process: It’s natural to feel worried or uncertain during the sleep training process, but trust that it’s a temporary phase. Many parents report that the crying decreases significantly after just a few nights, and within a week or two, their babies are consistently falling asleep on their own.
Is Crying Harmful?
Many parents wonder if letting their baby cry during sleep training can have long-term emotional consequences. The answer is no.
Research has shown that sleep training methods that involve some level of crying do not have negative long-term effects on a baby’s emotional or psychological development. In fact, babies who learn to self-soothe often develop better sleep patterns, which leads to more restful nights for both them and their parents.
Want more convincing? Read this post here where I go deeper into the research.
The worst thing you can do
Remember, babies and children cry - it is how they communicate. Crying is part of the sleep training process. It is normal and natural that your child will be protesting change (no one likes change!). They are ok and they can get through it!
In my practice, while I primarily work with the parents, your child’s best interest is my priority. I will never ask or tell you to do something that is not going to support your child’s physical and emotional health. Every recommendation that I make is for the best interest of your child. Often, families come to me after having tried sleep training on their own several times and failed each time because they couldn’t get through the crying.
This is a common scenario I have heard countless times:
Parents decide to sleep train, they get started, baby cries for X minutes, parents can’t handle it and decide to fall back on the baby’s old sleep crutch (rocking, feeding, etc. to sleep).
The problem that I have is that this is completely unfair to your child. This does nothing to teach your child a skill, but rather it teaches them to cry. It would be better for your child for you to abandon the sleep training plan after 10 minutes than to try to stick it out for 30, 45, 60, 90 minutes and then bail. This just makes it easier on you, but not your child. All of that crying was for nothing :-(
I recommend having a plan B or even C and to be as prepared as possible going into the first night. Ideas on this include: having the non-dominant care giver do the work the first few nights, choosing a method that makes you comfortable, having a concrete road map/plan of action.
Commitment is the name of the game with sleep training. And as difficult as it is, you will want to stay 100% committed to your plan even when it gets tough. Because when you do, your baby will learn faster and easier, and everyone will in a better place sooner.
Conclusion
Crying is a normal and natural part of sleep training. Actually, crying is a normal and natural part of growing up and learning.
While it may feel difficult at first, it’s important to remember that your baby’s cry is not a sign of distress, but rather a sign that they are learning how to fall asleep independently. It is honestly typically more distressing for the parents than it is for the child.
Sleep training, when done with care and consistency, helps your baby build healthy sleep habits that will benefit them for years to come.
With the right approach, your baby will soon learn to sleep independently — and you’ll both enjoy the benefits of better sleep.
Sleep training is a journey, not a race. You and your baby will get there, one night at a time!
If you’re feeling unsure about how to begin sleep training or if the crying feels overwhelming, let's chat!! who can provide you with personalized support and guidance. You can set up a free evaluation call with me here! I know how intimidating this process can be and how the crying can be such a road block for some. I have been there and I am ready to support you through it!
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